


To See Again

by Astro324



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 17:12:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10995327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astro324/pseuds/Astro324
Summary: Alex lost his color when Eliza died, will he ever get it back?





	To See Again

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story, so I'm starting small. I hope you like it! Sorry for any misspelled words, I spell checked myself and I'm dyslexic, so.

Alex walked briskly to his dorm, head down, avoiding anyone's eyes. Having fallen asleep in the library again, his hair is undone and there's impossibly deeper bags underneath his eyes. He hasn't slept properly in almost three years, because for three years the color has been taken from his life. Three years ago today, to be exact. Thinking about it made his heart and head hurt, so he pushed it from his mind for the millionth time. College was hard enough as it is, but without proper sleep it's been a living hell. 

Lafayette greeted him with a warm smile, even after he slammed the door shut behind him. 

"Hello, mon ami. Why do you return from class so late?" Alex sighed and threw his grey bag down on his black bed. 

"I fell asleep in the library again because I'm exhausted." And depressed. He didn't say that because he hated worrying Lafayette. The man has been at his side the whole time, through the whole thing. He made sure Alex was never alone while she- he pushed the thought from his mind again. 

"You should sleep more in your bed, Alex. That is what it's there for after all." Lafayette looked at him with sad eyes. Alex knows he remembers what happened on this day. Alex knows that's why he's being so attentive and kind, being so careful with his words. 

"I know Laf. It's just hard to sleep sometimes is all. I find no comfort, and usually just pass out wherever." Alex looked away from the other mans sad brown eyes. He can't do this today, he can't accept the pity that Lafayette wants to give him. 

"Alexander, if you need to talk about it-" 

"I don't! Please, leave me alone." Alex rolled over on his colorless bed to face the grey wall. He closed his eyes and grieved. Grieved at the loss of his sweet Eliza, grieved at the loss of his color, his meaning, his life. The tears rolled warm and salty down his cheek and a sob erupted from his chest. He felt Lafayette's weight on his bed, then a hand on his back. It stroked down and up slowly, comforting him. Alex threw himself into Lafayette's lap and let the sobs come in full now. 

"I can't stop picturing it Laf. Every time I close my eyes all I see is her laying in the hospital bed." He said this through heaving breaths, through his tears and anguish. "And every time I open them all I'm left with the constant reminder that my life is dull because she is gone! She left for good and took my color with her! She took it Lafayette, it's gone!" His words turned into incoherent mumbling as he sobbed, his shoulder wracked and he heaved, he felt as if the world was caving in and it would never stop. Lafayette was rubbing his back the whole time, telling him everything would be okay. All the while tears of his own rolled silently down his cheeks. 

When Hercules came in he didn't say a word, just sat down on the bed with the other two boys and held them close. Alex eventually stopped crying and he sat up, wiping his tears off his face with his sleeve. 

"I can't do this. I can't live my whole life happily, not while being alone. I can't keep looking at the world through a dull lens, I can't. It hurts so much, I miss her so much..." the words flowed from his mouth as if they were toxic, making his throat burn. His voice broke with the last words and he let his head drop down heavily, ashamed. 

"You will find someone again, Alex. It's only a matter of time. It'll be okay, you will meet someone and everything will be okay again." Hercules placed a hand under Alex's chin and lifted his weak head up to meet his eyes. He needs Alex to know it will be okay, that he can't give up because he knows someone will bring back his light.

"It's only so easy for you to say because you found Lafayette. I was there, I watched it happen. I watched the light go into your eyes, both of you. You watched mine leave with her. I knew Eliza for so long, it happened in 2nd grade and to lose it all in our junior year? While we're so close to living our lives together. And by a car crash? A hunk of fucking metal took my Eliza from me? Took everything I am, everything we had the potential to be! All for what?!" Alex was yelling by the time he cut himself off. He's been asking himself that same question for the last three years. All for what? It going unanswered has haunted him this entire time, tormenting him. It's the one thing he can't find buried in his books. A reason why. 

"Alex, we do not know the answers to your questions. But what we do know is that someone will restore your light. You do remember what Eliza told you in her last moments, yes?" Alex nodded. He remembers. Of course he remembers. 

"My heart was too big to be wasted on one. It would reopen itself to someone who could be here with me and take care of it." He hates saying those words, he hates thinking of being with anyone but his Eliza. But he also hated the thought of living his life alone in grey and black hue. He misses the colors, he misses the beautiful blues skies and the shades of green that surrounded him as he took in the world. He wants to love and be loved. He wants. He wants it so fucking bad. 

"Exactly, and that will happen. She's right Alexander. You know she is, and you will find someone who can make you happy and who will love you until their wits end. Because by god, you are a handful but you will be worth it to them." Alex nodded his head slowly, and just let himself hope. He's tired of being alone, tired of being sad. He's tired of feeling like his entire life is over, and he's damn tired of everything being grey. He was not meant to be mundane, he has a fire inside him. Someone will fan his spark into a flame again. 

"Thank you guys. Today has been very hard to say the least. I'm so exhausted." Lafayette shushed him faintly and pulled him close to his chest. He stroked his hair soothingly and Alex let him. Hercules nodded and crawled into his own bed, letting Lafayette and Alex lay down. Much needed sleep came quickly as Lafayette said soothing words into his ear and played with the long thick locks of his loose hair.   
___________________ 

The next morning sucked. When he woke up Lafayette and Hercules were gone to class according to the note next to his bed. The memories of last night came flooding back with a vengeance. His head began to throb and he rubbed at his temples. 

He glanced at his phone and it lit up to say eight thirty. Great, class in half an hour. Just what he needs, class. Alex shuffled into a pair of discarded jeans and pulled a hoodie over his head. He took in the room, which Hercules must have cleaned. There were no longer clothes scattered across the floor or trash on their desks. Alex longed to see the colors of their room. Or even the colors of the sun that was now settled into the sky. Alex stared longingly out the window wondering what it would look like if he could see the colors of the birds sitting in the tree next to his window. 

He recalls on his and Eliza's first official date. He had asked her out nervously, then too her for a picnic in the park. They talked about the colors, but he was focused on her eyes. The soft green of her eyes, the beautiful hazel specks surrounding her pupils. He was focused on the way the sunset danced in her eyes like a flame, making them shine vibrantly in the light. Or the way her red flushed cheeks looked after their first kiss moments later, her swollen lips molding perfectly with his. 

A twinge of pain in his heart pulled him from the memory and he made his way hastily out the door after throwing his back pack over his shoulder. His classmates idly waved at him as he walked by, uttering a hello or good morning. He wondered how many of them could see the colors, how many of them had found their love. 

The building smelled stale when he stepped inside as it usually did, and eventually he learned to stop turning away in disgust. The paint on the walls was chipped and the tiled floors cracked slightly. Colombia seriously needs to refurbish their school buildings, but he's sure they knew that. 

Alex flopped down into his seat with a sigh and pulled out his journal to take notes as he always did. He pulled the pencil out of his side pocket on his back and clicked the back to bring up the led. Professor Washington quieted the chattering students by tapping his marker on the board three times. The murmuring subsided and he began his lesson of WWII on the board, switching expo marker colors to indicate different battles on the chart he was making. As if it mattered to Alex. He copied the chart down the best he could, but eventually gave up. He would just have to look up the facts about these battles later, hopefully taking more useful notes there. 

Alex let his head smack against the desk with a thunk and took a deep breath. His head felt heavy, as if he couldn't lift it. The head ache that came about earlier now throbbed into a full blown migraine and he groaned in pain quietly. Alex took a few more deep breaths to hopefully help his throbbing head before sitting up again. When he sat up he was face to face with Prof Washington standing by his desk. 

"Having trouble staying awake this morning, Mr. Hamilton?" Alex looked up at Washington and shook his head hastily. 

"No, sir. Just not feeling well I guess. I'm sorry." Alex murmured. Washington rolled his eyes and walked back to the board finishing his lesson. The class went by in a blur, Alex half hearing what Washington was saying. Not as if he cared, he knew enough about WWII to pass the test if he needed to take it soon. 

Washington dismissed the class a few minutes early with the wave of his hand and Alex was the first out the door. He sunk down onto a bench in the main garden and let his face fall into his hands. God, this fucking sucked. Alex wishes he could just return to his dorm and curl up in a sulking ball, classes be damned. He was jerked from his sulking thoughts by someone talking to him, but they sounded muffled and far away. Alex sat up and sighed. 

"What did you say?" He looked up into the face of a freckly, curly haired boy. He had a goofy unwavering grin spread across his face as he stood in front of Alex. 

"Oh, I was just asking where the art building was! I just transferred here and I have no idea where anything is! My name is John Laurens, by the way. What's your name?" John's Laurens happiness bothered Alex. He was way too happy, seemed a little too cherry to have just moved to this college with no friends. He must have found his love then, must be able to see the world as it's meant to be. 

"It's over there." Alex pointed at the building next to the one he had exited minutes ago and then sat back on the bench. He expected John to leave, but he instead felt John flop down on the other end of the bench. 

"How long have you been going to college here? Actually, what's your name? What's your major?" Alex rubbed his temples and closed his eyes. He needed to be kind no matter how chattery this John Laurens boy seemed to be. 

"My name is Alexander Hamilton. I am a freshman. I major in political science." John nodded enthusiastically. 

"I'm an art major. My dad told me that it was stupid and that artist were poor, but I didn't care. I love painting! It makes me happy, and I feel like that's what matters. Even though I can't see the colors, I still feel like what I paint is good." Alex looked at him with a raised eye brow. 

"You came to college to be an art major, but you can't see the colors? That's a strange thing to do, John." Alex shook his head and smiled. This John boy was actually kind of cute. 

"Well, that's what my dad said too. Yet here I am. It's been successful pretty far, obviously. Here look at some of my stuff." John thrusted one of his painted canvases at Alex, their fingers brushing together. 

"No, I can't see the colors ei-" Alex's breath caught in his throat. The moment John's fingers brushed against his the world erupted into color. His breath caught in his throats and ears came to his eyes as he saw the blue sky again. He saw the blue jay sitting on the black power line. He saw where the white pavement met the vibrant green grass. His choked back a sob as he looked at John, who had the same expression on his face as Alex. Pure bliss. 

"Do you see this too?" John chocked out through tears. Alex nodded his head rapidly and kept taking in the Earth around him. He looked up at the white clouds in the sky, the green on the trees, the red on his shoes. He looked at John and his breath was knocked from him again. 

His eyes, by god his eyes. The soft green, the hazel specks surrounding his pupil. Alex cupped the boys face and took in his eyes. Because they were perfect and everything he has been looking for in his life since the moment he lost them. Alex threw his arms around John and the man returned his hug whole heartedly. 

"Thank you John. Thank you for bringing the color back into my life. Thank god for you." John sobbed and held Alex tighter, burning his nose in the mans neck stifling his sobs. 

"So I guess this means that we..." John trailed off, but promoted his meaning by squeezing Alex tighter. Alex nodded rapidly and let more happy tears flow down his cheeks. It feels good the be hugged again, to feel wanted and needed by someone. He ran his hands over John's brown curls, relishing the feeling and the color. God the color. 

"I've been living in a grey world for so long. Thank you John Laurens, thank you so much." John returned his thanks. They hugged for who knows how long until they pulled back and wiped each other's tears off each others faces. John's freckled were the cutest thing Alex has ever laid eyes on. They fell upon his cheeks and nose perfectly, creating the most beautiful erratic patterns. 

Alex is hopefully as he offers his hand to John, and John takes it happily. They talked about their lives and where they were from on their way back to the dorm. Alex learned John's dad was a senator and that he was a scary man, and all John wanted to do was be away from him and the pain he caused him. Alex understood completely and promised to keep John here with him for as long as he could, hopefully forever. Alex told John of his mother passing away and never knowing his father. He apologized for not having a family to share with him, but John had assured him he's sure Alex would be all he needs. 

Alex took John to his dorm and pushed the door open dramatically. A startled Lafayette and Hercules stared back him in awe. They looked at Alex's smile first, then the two hands clasped together, then to the boy standing next to him. Lafayette screamed with delight and jumped up, running to Alex and John. 

"Oh, mon ami, I knew it was only a matter of time!" Lafayette kissed Alex on both cheeks then John. "Please tell me everything that happened!" Lafayette beckoned Hercules over to come listen to what had happened only ten minutes before. Alex told the story, and Lafayette listened with tear brimmed eyes. Hercules clasped his shoulders heavily with both hands and kissed his head with cheerful laughter. 

"It feels so good to have you back Alexander. Thank you for coming into his life John. He needs you." Hercules grasped John's hand with his two own and smiled. 

"It's my pleasure! I'm just really glad I couldn't find the art building, or I may never have found Alex! I don't really know how this thing works but I hope Alex and I work out together. I can already tell I'm going to like him very much, and that I like his friends!" John laughed a beautiful sound and Alex's smile grew wider. 

"Oh he's quite the charmer, Alexander! I like him a lot. John Laurens, I hope you stay around for a very long time." Lafayette grabbed Alex's hand and rubbed his thumb over the back over it sighing. He knew the relief Lafayette was feeling inside at finally seeing Alexander happy again. 

"I know he's a charmer, Lafayette. If he wasn't so damn cute and charming I may have just ignored him. I'm very happy I didn't." Alex looked over at John and smiled. He brought a hand to the other boys warm cheek, and John leaned into the affection willingly. 

"Thanks for not ignoring me. I know I talk a lot sometimes and that I'm really loud but it's usually only when I'm nervous and excited." John let out a nervous chuckle and rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. 

"Which one do I make you, John?" Alex smiled at how nervous the not seemed. It was so cute, watching him try to gather his thoughts carefully. Hopefully, someday, he can make John feel loved instead of nervous. 

"Both, actually. Nervous at first, but after the colors god I was just so excited and happy to have finally met you. You seemed so sad when I approached you, the moment you smiled my heart melted into a little puddle because it was so cute..." Alex's chest tightened at his words, he missed being spoken to like this, missed being held at such a high standard. His color has come back, his reason for being alive. The fire raged in his heart again, and he owed it all to his John Laurens.


End file.
